Christkindelmarkt!

Leeds has a German Christmas market. I went there with some actual Germans and they told me it was exactly like home, so well done Leeds.

Highlights of this magical kingdom included:

1. Bratwurst. The real deal. A huge greasy sausage, folded in half, unceremoniously shoved into a bun and slathered with German mustard and sauerkraut. Christmas indeed had come early, I thought, as I crammed it greedily into my face.

2. Piping hot wine. I released a large quantity of snot after repeated attempts to take a sip of this stuff without the pungent fumes making me snort like a rhinoceros. My stomach liked it but my mouth reluctantly let it pass, so essentially it affected me in exactly the opposite way that eating an entire bag of Cheetos would.

3. A carousel. Germans take things to the extreme. This thing rotated at 250% the speed of an average merry-go-round. It was nevertheless delightful, although I wouldn't recommend eating bratwurst while riding it.

Among these treasures, there were plenty of opportunities to drink German beer, which is actually quite good, that is, if you're used to drinking refrigerated urine. My friend Jade argued that it was better than English beer because it was fizzy, which I quickly rebutted with the fact that urine also fizzes when it's fresh. Speaking of beer, my favourites thus far are John Smith's and Tetley's. Cheap stouts. Guinness really isn't all that special after all.